The Eternal Optimist

 Wow. 

I have to say, I can't believe I'm sitting here in 2023 writing on my old blogger blog that I started in May of 2011. I know the first post will say August of 2011, but that's because of an unfortunate deletion and recreation. May of 2011. Zach had just turned two. I was nearly engaged to Dave. 

Wow.

This blog chronicles our dating, early marriage, more seasoned marriage. Lots of growth. Lots of children. Pregnancies, thoughts on life, business ventures, friendships, faith, family and more. What is doesn't chronicle is our hardships. Our secret heartbreaks. Our many deep trials (that to be very honest I didn't realize the depth or seriousness of at the time). Our divorce. 

How I would love that the story of my life could have been a sailing into the sunset. That my blog posts could have been a never-ending blubbering of our beautiful life together. That I could live, laugh, and love my way through the years to come. 

It's funny to think of my mental and emotional state at the beginning of this blog. A fairly new christian, fairly unseasoned in life, and carrying with me a weight that I hadn't started out my twenties as a "good Christian girl". That I came with baggage. Man, I can't tell you how light that baggage seems in hindsight, compared with what I carry now, and how even this, what I carry today, seems oddly light now that I've strengthened enough to bear the weight. 

I'm not going to lie, the nostalgia feels crippling at times, especially when I go back and read my old posts through the years. I can admit that I miss those days, at times. I lost that family. And even though I believe that the new family I have now is better, it doesn't remove that sadness of what was lost. I will always carry that to some degree, and that's ok. Sometimes I feel the weight of it more than others. But one thing's for sure, I'm SO GLAD I took the time to write throughout the years because there is so much that is NOT lost because of that. I will remember things that I never would otherwise, and I'm so very grateful. 

One thing I never talked about on this blog (because hello, it's private stuff!!) is that Dave had always struggled with same-sex attraction. I'm not going to go into details because it's not my place to air details about him. But in December of 2020, he came to terms with wearing it as an identity (instead of looking at it as a problem to be fixed) and we separated in 2021, and divorced in 2022. My writings during this time took place by hand in a physical journal, because those raw and real thoughts need privacy, not to be splayed all over an internet blog. 

But I can tell you a little bit about my personal experience of that time. A little bit. 

Dave came out as gay, and we decided to end our marriage. In between and around those two things were months and months of deeply sad, awful, horrible happenings. Fighting like we had never done before. Misunderstanding each other like I never thought would be possible. Reaching the point of no return and realizing that we could never go back after that. Driving alone one night, I pulled the car over and literally saw our marriage flash before my eyes- our wedding, our babies, our homes, our memories- and I knew then that it was over. Literally in that moment, I came to terms with it, and I cried like I've never cried before in my life. And I knew that the only way forward, the only way toward peace, and out of the hell we'd been living in for months, was to let go. So I did. And the fighting stopped. And the fog lifted. The sadness settled into my bones, and over time has become lighter. I know I will always show signs of it though, like an invisible scar on my heart. 

That was 22 months ago and at times it still seems surreal that it all happened. But you know me, the eternal optimist! I decided back in 2018, at the beginning of Dave and I's deep struggles together, that I was going to be happy no matter what happened. I would be happy if we divorced, and if we stayed together. I was determined to live happily, to be a happy person with a good life. I was determined that even in the thick of the worst of times, I would carry joy at knowing it was temporary, that I'd come out happy on the other side. 

And I did.

I'm now, two years later, remarried to a wonderful, godly man named Brendon. Can you believe that?! And I have two wonderful step-kids, Claire and Nolan. 

Our blended family right now looks like this: Claire, 15. Zach, 14. Nolan, 12. Julian, 9. Gabriel, 7. Isaiah, 5. 

Six kids, growing fast, and we're trying to soak it all in. We're adjusting. It's beautiful, and good. 

I'll tell you more about Brendon in another post. It's a fun story. :) For now I'm leaving this here to let it steep. 

Love, 

Lindsay