Thoughts On My "Year of Joy"

When I look back at Gabriel's first year of life, all I think of is joy. For some reason, it was SUCH a joyful year.

I had every reason to not have a good year, however. He was born January 15th, right at the beginning of the year. When he was just 3 weeks old, Dave left his longtime position at our church and started a new career and had to travel a lot. I think Gabe was 4 or 5 weeks old when Dave left for California for a week-long training seminar, and the traveling only picked up from there. The year really should have been a lot harder than it was- with Dave gone all the time, adjusting to having three boys, night wakings and feedings, staying engaged with my older boys, and struggling with migraines ALL THE TIME. Seriously, by the time fall came I was on a steady roll of 3-4 migraines a week- the kind that knock you out flat and there's literally nothing that will help except going to bed. It was really affecting the quality of my life, so much so that whenever I made plans I always had a plan B in case I got a migraine. I had one on my birthday. I had one on Gabe's first birthday. I had one at a wedding I was photographing. I saw my doctor, a chiropractor, a physical therapist, I even had an MRI. All normal, which was relieving, but I still didn't have answers. It was frustrating. (As a side note, it ended up being a mixture of vitamin deficiencies. Imagine that!)

Even still, when I think about 2016, those things don't come to mind- I had to consciously make a point to remember those things for this blog post. You want to know what I think of from that year that brings me so much joy? Adding another amazing boy to our family. Feeling really confident in my abilities as a mom as it was a seamless transition from two to three children (I hear this is not the case for everyone so I was super grateful!). Snuggling in bed watching my shows during the sleepy newborn phase. Having Gabe sleep next to me in his bassinet a friend so generously gave to me. Feeling like super mom when the last people on my meal train were showing up with meals and answering the door feeling totally grateful but like it was totally unnecessary, like I got this! Gabe being an awesome sleeper (I'm putting you out of my mind, four month sleep regression!). Driving alone with the boys 3 hours to my aunt's cottage on the lake in the summer. Doing a corn maze in the fall and getting a real tree for Christmas. Putting our house up for sale. Doing really crazy abnormal things with the boys while Dave was traveling, like ordering pizza for dinner way more than we should and going to Barnes and Noble at 6pm on a school night and even having Zach do his homework there. Moving furniture around at 3 weeks postpartum (reverse nesting?), and feeling SO good and energized. I didn't let anything keep me down that year- not Dave's traveling, not my migraines, not the craziness of having three children... I truly embraced it and ran with it. And it was empowering!

I think what made the difference was my determination to be intentional. I planned on Gabriel being my last baby, so I truly savored every sweet little moment from that year. I paid attention. I noticed things I don't normally make a point to notice... I "treasured them all up in my heart". I wanted to remember every detail possible, every feeling, every sweet snuggle and milestone. That made all the difference.

Now here I am again- pregnant with my fourth (and LAST, lol) baby. Sometimes I look at Gabe and feel sorry for him (which I know is silly), but I think "you were supposed to be the baby!". I know adding another will be joyful and we'll love him and not imagine life without him... and him and Gabe will be great friends I'm sure. But I'm trying to decipher my feelings about it all as we head into the home stretch of this pregnancy... how can I recreate that "year of joy" that I had after Gabe was born? Is it even possible, especially with a completely different baby? Will attempting to do that somehow diminish the joy I feel about Gabe's first year or worse, set me up for disappointment by having unrealistic expectations about what the year should look like?

These are the thoughts I've been pondering lately. I haven't savored this pregnancy like I normally do, partly because I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place, partly because I'm having a harder time keeping up with more children, and partly because I'm so stinkin' uncomfortable and having side effects I never had before with previous pregnancies. But I'm still determined- I know that regardless of whatever challenges I might face next year in adding a fourth to our family, I can still make it great with the right intention and mindset. I'm already intentionally creating excitement about having another baby... I'm reading positive things about motherhood and big families and keeping negative things at bay. I'm trying to stay connected to God and my mom community. I'm creating baby fever and allowing myself to buy things I haven't in the past, like a baby wrap I really wanted, a moses bassinet and a maternity/postpartum robe. I have my hospital packing list written up as well as baby items needed (which we actually need a lot of since I got rid of so much baby stuff... whoops!). I'm looking forward to my hospital stay, having the help of the nurses and hot coffee and food delivered to me whenever I want. :D

Rather than comparing or having expectations of what next year should look like, I'm making the decision now to embrace the year as it comes. I want to again savor the baby phase, that precious first year of life, and know that it will look different than last year- and that's ok. I want to focus on taking care of myself by exercising and eating well, and focus on making my home a sanctuary for Dave and my older boys even with a baby in the house. Especially with a baby in the house. I want to make intentionality and living in joy the standard for me, and the boys. And I have Gabe's first year for inspiration. :D

Now I've just gotta get through this next month and a half... Christmas can't come sooner!